Santa's Fëanorian Elves
by fantasychica37
Summary: Mandos comes up with an interesting probation for the Fëanorians... part of 12 Days of Christmas. Google "Whomp It" to find out what it is. (For the record, Santa exists in an alternate universe.)


**Hello all and happy Winter Solstice! So sorry for getting behind, but I had to help my mom decorate and then my cousin and her boyfriend came over- they're the most adorable couple ever! (No offense to BxL fans!)**

**Obligatory Quenya Name List:**

**Fëanáro- F****ëanor**

******Maitimo- Maedhros**

******Macalaur****ë- Maglor**

**********Tyelkormo- Celegorm**

**********Carnistir- Caranthir**

**********Curufinw****ë- Curufin**

**************Tyelperinquar: Celebrimbor**

**************Explanation of Amrod & Amras's Names:**

**************Nerdanel gave both her twins the mother-name "Ambarussa" (the whole House of F****ëanor is known by their mother-names). However, Tolkien decided very late that F****ëanor wanted her to give them different names, so she named her youngest, Amras, "Umbarto" ("The Fated") in a flash of foresight, and though everyone called both twins "Ambarussa", Umbarto (Amras), who had stayed on the ship at Losgar with a potential secret intention to sail back home, was burned alive with the ships because F****ëanor didn't realize he was still on board. (Cue fire jokes.) Amrod called F****ëanor "fell and fey" and then went on to participate in two more Kinslayings.**

******************************The Sindarin for "son of F****ëanor" is "F****ëanorion" with an O. I use the spelling with an A to indicate the entire House of F****ëanor.**

**As a reminder, the 12 Days of Christmas fics started on December 13 (the 12 days leading up to Christmas, because I'll be skiing the day after Christmas and then going back to school :P) and will be going through Christmas Day. Even if I skip a day, I've sworn an Oath to finish the whole set! They are:**

**Day 1 (12/13): All I Want for Yuletide (Silmarillion)- I really, really wanted to write a Hobbit fic to honor DoS coming out but even though I saw the movie I don't know Thorin's Company that well and couldn't think of anything. :(**

**Day 2 (a day late on 12/15): The 12 Days of Christmas, Middle-earth version! (Lord of the Rings)**

**Day 3 (a day late on 12/16): My Revenge on the Internet, or, Fëanor Learns the Spirit of Christmas (Silmarillion)**

**Day 4 (on time! 12/16): The 12 Days of Christmas, First Age Version! (Silmarillion)**

**Day 5 (12/17): Sam's Yule Gift (Lord of the Rings)**

**Day 6 (12/18): The Goblins' Christmas Feast (The Hobbit- FIRST HOBBIT FIC EVER! WHOO-HOO!)**

**Day 7 (12/19): Bilbo's Gift List (Lord of the Rings)**

**Day 8 (one day late on 12/21): Santa's Fëanorian Elves**

**Next up in LOTR because writing so much F****ëanorian is getting to me...**

**Enjoy!**

"Welcome to you all, Fëanáro, Nerdanel, Maitimo, Macalaurë, Tyelkormo, Carnistir, Curufinwë, Ambarussa, Umbarto, and Tyelperinquar!" Santa Claus boomed merrily. "It is my pleasure to have you on board to help this Christmas season!"

_Why are we doing this?_ Fëanáro complained to his wife as Santa talked on about their responsibilities.

_Because Lord Mandos needs to see proof that you have changed before he lets you be reembodied in Arda Marred, and being an Elf in Santa's workshop is an act of selflessness and kindness, and being in a small body like Santa's other Elves have will teach you humility, and I- although I do not know what in Eru's name compelled me- volunteered to be your chaperone, and..._

_I know what he said!_ the Spirit of Fire thought sharply at her. _But why are we doing this?_

_Because some of us want to breathe the free air again! _snapped Carnistir, although everyone knew he was really thinking of his wife.

_Well, _I _shouldn't even have to be here! _grumped Macalaurë. _I was perfectly happy wandering Arda lamenting the fall of my people until the Breaking of the World... I never asked to be given a test to determine whether I could reenter Aman!_

"Will all of you shut up!" yelled Tyelperinquar. "You all dragged me away from my home at a tender age, lumped me with a bunch of Kinthlayers-" he was clearly very upset- "and then I didn't even go all insane over my shiny things! I was just trying to keep them away from Sauron so he wouldn't raze the free world and turn it into a wasteland of ash and smoke!"

Maitimo trembled and was held up by his eldest brother, who murmured, "There, there... Angamando is long gone and you are safe... Remember what Estë said, go to your happy place, Maitimo..."

All the other elves in the workshop gasped and covered their ears. "No nasty talk in Santa's workshop!" a (relatively) tall elf yelled at them from across the room, scurrying over and waving his finger at Tyelperinquar, towering over him in his new diminutive body. He whipped out a notepad and muttered under his breath, "Disruptive, hears voices that aren't there, speaks in a lisp... refer to Hermey the Dentist to correct potential gap teeth due to this speech defect..."

_"Hey!"_ yelled Tyelperinquar.

All nine Elves were hard at work making toys.

"Legos," grumbled Carnistir in his new annoyingly squeaky elfin voice.. "What a stupid name for a toy- "Greens"." **(A/N: Lego means green, I think, because "Legolas" means "green leaf".)**

"Why am I making _dolls_?" exclaimed Fëanáro indignantly. "The Greatest of the Noldor, who led a whole host of Noldor into Middle-earth to fight Morgoth, making _dolls_?"

"Ooh, a Whomp It!" cried Maitimo eagerly. He promptly started whacking Curufinwë with it.

"What was that for?" exclaimed Curufinwë.

"The worst diplomatic disaster I've had to deal with since Atar burned the Eru-forsaken ships!" shot back Maitimo. "You were already married, for Eru's sake!"

"Actually, it wasn't the ships that were Eru-forsaken, it was us," piped up Umbarto helpfully.

"Oh, shut up!" said Tyelkormo, grabbing another Whomp It and whacking his youngest brother over the head with it. "You participated in the Kinslaying at Alqualondë as gleefully as any of us, so stop pretending to be a goody-goody!"

"Boys!" yelled Nerdanel. "Stop fighting and start making toys, or I swear to Manwë, Varda and Eru Allfather that I wi... never mind," she trailed off lamely as her whole family- even Tyelperinquar- looked ready to burst out laughing.

"See, it wasn't my fault that time!" said Fëanáro proudly, looking at his wife pointedly.

"Remind me why I married you?" grumbled Nerdanel.

Fëanáro promptly took off his shirt and shot Nerdanel a smoldering look... only to realize that his elfin body was not muscular and sexy like his Elven body. Maitimo used his restored hand to hide his chuckles.

The Ambarussa twins were giggling over something. Carnistir hurried over and his eyes lit up. "Hey, Atar!" he called, holding up a squishy ball and squeezing it. "Look at this!"

Fëanáro looked away from the automated doll-dress-sewer he had constructed from a metal racetrack, a toy boat, and a legless Lego Legolas, saw the flashing shiny lights... and his jaw went slack, his eyes bulged, and drool started spilling from his mouth. "Shinyyyy..." he growled.

Slightly frightened, Ambarussa hurried over and gave the ball to his father, who stared at it entranced, cradling it close and murmuring, "My precious..." Nerdanel shook her head in disgust.

Using their father's distraction, Ambarussa and Umbarto motioned to their brothers and handed out paint cans and brushes to them.

And so the Graffitiing of Fëanor began. Using their father's bare chest as a canvas, the brothers began to paint, Macalaurë and Tyelperinquar most eagerly. Even Nerdanel joined in.

Maitimo painted blood and gore on his hand, Macalaurë painted vampire fangs on his face, Ambarussa painted "I'm With Stupid" with an up arrow on his chest, Umbarto gave him a Morgoth mustache (which is best known by the name of the man who stole the idea from Morgoth, Adolf Hitler) and a Mohawk hairstyle, Tyelperinquar painted "Idiot and Proud of It" on his back, Nerdanel gave him blush and lipstick, and the "three C's" worked around their family's art to paint an enormous phallic symbol on Fëanáro's entire upper body- both sides.

Then Umbarto flagged down another elf and, putting on his best puppy face, whispered, "I will give you a million bajillion imaginary bucks if you take the flashing ball out of the hands of the Elf with the crazy paint job and throw it as far as you can. Pleeeeease pretty please with lembas on top?"

"Awww!" squealed the elf, momentarily going into a cute coma. "Buddy's on the job!"

So Buddy did as instructed, and Fëanáro let out a war cry of "SHINY!" and ran after it, armed with a Whomp It.

Naturally, all the other elves burst out laughing at the ridiculous sight, and Fëanáro was about to run them through when one choked out, "Your... paint..."

That broke Fëanáro out of his Shiny Object Lust, and he looked down at himself. One elf helpfully held up a mirror with Disney princesses on the back of it.

"AAAAAMMMBBBAAARRRRUUUSSSSSSAAAA!" he bellowed, wielding his whomp it as though it were Grond. **(A/N: Fëanáro refuses to call his youngest son "Umbarto", since that would mean admitting he messed up, so he refers to both of his twin sons as "Ambarussa", as many did before Amras pulled a Faramir.)**

"They did it too!" Umbarto shouted, pointing at his family, all of whom suddenly became quite absorbed in constructing E-Z Bakes.

"THIS IS WAR!" Fëanáro yelled, running at his sons with the Whomp It. Nerdanel grabbed a hairbrush and charged him, and soon the House of Fëanáro was engaged in a full-blown toy war, making a mess and creating a safety hazard, as demonstrated when Hermey the Dentist Elf came over to check on Tyelperinquar, slipped on the legless Lego Legolas, and died instantly from brain trauma.

Suddenly they all felt a familiar, very doom-y presence.

"YE HAVE SPILLED THE BLOOD OF YOUR KINDRED UNRIGHTEOUSLY AND HAVE STAINED THE NORTH POLE," Mandos boomed.

_"THAT DID NOT COUNT AS A KINSLAYING!"_ Fëanáro screamed, steam practically pouring out of his ears.

"I am not related to these little poncy pointy-eared Hobbit things!" added Carnistir furiously.

"CAN I FINISH MY DOOM OR NOT?" Mandos boomed. "I HAVEN'T DONE THIS IN THREE AGES- ALL I DO IS LOOK AFTER IDIOTIC ERUHINI WITH AN OBSESSION WITH SHINY THINGS! I WANT TO FINISH MY DOOM!"

The Elves looked at each other and gulped. Mandos always got strange when he didn't have his morning coffee.

"GOOD," Mandos boomed. "SO AS I WAS SAYING, YE HAVE SPILLED THE BLOOD OF YOUR KINDRED UNRIGHTEOUSLY AND HAVE STAINED THE NORTH POLE. NOT TO MENTION THAT YOU HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MESS, PUT SANTA'S ELVES IRREPARABLY BEHIND SCHEDULE, AND BLOWN ALL OF YOUR CHANCES- AGAIN. ALL OF YOU ARE SENTENCED TO THREE MORE AGES IN MY HALLS."

"Even me?" protested Macalaurë. "I wasn't dead to begin with!"

"YES, YOU," Mandos boomed. "YOU CAUSED JUST AS MUCH TROUBLE AS THE REST- ALL OF YOU, EXCEPT NERDANEL, RETURN TO MY HALLS THIS INSTANT!"

"EXCEPT CARNISTIR," Mandos added. "I HAVE ANOTHER PUNISHMENT FOR HIM."

And so the Fëanorians were forever gone from Santa's Workshop, and Santa made a mental note never to offer aid to the Valar again- not even if his pants were split when Mrs. Claus was busy baking Christmas cookies and Vairë suddenly showed up and mended his pants.

Come to think of it, they'd probably set that up.

Oh, well. He had to get back to his Naughty & Nice list...

That was strange. He could've sworn he'd put Mary Sue Perfect on the "Naughty" list... Oh, well. He handed off the list to his elves, who promptly began making the "explodable Fëanor doll that will kill her when she holds it" prescribed under her name.

**I'm sorry for killing Hermey the Dentist! *hides* And, no, I have never seen _Elf_, so all I could do was add a reference to his name. My apologies for incorrect characterization.**

**Also, if you want to know what Caranthir's punishment was, check the Christmas Eve day installment. (I'm not sure which fandom it will be in, so check the December 23 installment, in which I will tell you.)**


End file.
